Monday, April 30, 2012

The Saturday Night Sillies

Dueling Photographers (from a couple of weeks ago)

Penelope Says on facebook

April 15

Penelope just brought me a fortune cookie she found, so I could open the wrapper. This fortune seemed very fitting. 

She thought it was hilarious.
11:52 pm

April 16

Now I see why the kids' weren't so excited about the butterfly exhibit at the zoo. We have our own butterfly garden in the park. Today butterflies were everywhere! They kept landing on leaves or flowers and then turning upside down. Derrick suggested they were laying eggs. 

This one's right side up.
5:47 PM

Penelope (writing on her magnadoodle, theatrically): Nooo! OHHH! UGH! OHHH D'OH!!!! THAT'S NOT RIGHT!! NooOOOOH! Ohh! (Hands it to me) Here. Help me.
Me: (looking at two ovals, each with a dot in the middle) What should I do?
Penelope: Make the ears for these dolphins.
Me: Well...uhm...(I guess and draw something)
Penelope: (hysterically) NOT LIKE THAT!
11:45 pm

April 17

Penelope (turning off the lamp next to me): I need to get it a little bit more dark.
Me: Why?
Penelope: Because if it's dark and quiet, the spiders will come out.

I wonder what she's planning.
1:54 pm

Penelope: Daddy, why did Uncle Jason leave so early?
Derrick: Because he gets up early like Daddy.
Penelope: Daddy, why are you the little sister?
Derrick: I'm not. I'm the little brother.
Penelope: But why are you the little brother? You look bigger.
Derrick: Well, I am bigger, but Uncle Jason is older.
Penelope: You don't have little eyes. You don't have little ears.
5:36 pm

Grandma: We watched Pollyanna.
Me: What happened to Pollyanna?
Penelope: She tried to climb out the window like the boy showed her, but she fell!
9:32 pm

April 18

Penelope (climbing up the slide, grunting between words): Uncle Scar, this is quite difficult. (at the top): I made it. I'm the king of the winners! (unexpectedly slides down again) Ohhhh! It's no use!
3:58 pm

Weird fortune cookie moment of the day...
My parents bought me a chocolate tulip for my birthday, and Penelope is dying to "share" it. But I haven't been in the mood to eat it yet.
Penelope (brings it to me): Let's share the chocolate rose.
Me: Let's wait till tomorrow.
Penelope: I love chocolate roses. I can't wait. (wanders into a kitchen, brings back a fortune cookie) Open this please. I just love cookies.
Me: What does your fortune say?
Penelope: Here.
The Fortune: Feeding a cow with roses does not get extra appreciation.

Another question: Where does she keep finding all these fortune cookies?
6:56 pm

Penelope: Tell me the names of my brothers again.
Me: You only have one brother and his name is Grayson.
Penelope: No, I have more brothers!
Me: Maybe one day you will have another brother!
Penelope: No, I already have them!
Me: Who are they?
Penelope: Tell me them.
Me: You only have one brother. He has a brother named Jack.
Penelope: No!! There was another Jack at another Jack house.
Me: Well, I'm sorry. For now Grayson is your only brother.
Penelope: What about my brother named Robby and my brother named Elizabeth? You showed them to me!
Me: Those are your cousins!
Penelope: What about my other Penelope?
Me: She is not related to you at all. I'm sorry.

7:08 pm

April 19

Penelope: Mom, can you move your butt, so I can get my sword under the couch? I'm going to stab a lion and put animal blood on my shirt. I want to be bad and Bubby be bad and Robby and Riley and Kellen and Elizabeth. All my brothers and my cousins are going to be bad. I'm going to make animals step on my trap [a pile of crayons] and go down into these cold pipes and these hot pipes and go into the pit. Then it will be all my fault, and I'll go to jail in Egypt. Now I just have to get my picnic ready before I go. It's going to be so fun. We can have a nice tea party!
12:30 am

P: I feel like I'm getting so big.
Me: You are getting big.
P (pleased): I am? (runs to the mirror)Whoa! It's true. I am big. I never thought I would get this big! (lifts her shirt) But I don't have big boobs yet. Hey Dad, I don't have big boobs enough yet to get a crack in here (touches chest where she noticed cleavage on Gma this morning). How can I be so big and not have big boobs yet?
1:08 am

Penelope has been using powers she allegedly stole from a witch to switch Dinah's and Orangey Snake's voices for the past couple of days. She always says, "Abrakadam!" At least it's not, "Abrakadammit!"
1:12 am

Penelope: That bug was really a spider.
Me: What bug?
Penelope: That bug I saw yesterday in the kitchen.
Me: Did Grandma kill him?
Penelope: Yes.
Me: Well, that's good.
Penelope: But that spider didn't have any legs. Did that bad spider eat him?
Me: I don't know.
Penelope: That must be the reason he came inside our house. I knew there must be a reason.
2:04 pm

Penelope: (coming down the stairs) Daddy, there was a ghost in my room!  I saw him!
Derrick and me (playing along theatrically): You did!
Penelope (suddenly looking upset): Yes and he really scared me!
Me: What did he say?
Penelope: (making no sound, stands on the steps and makes a "boo" mouth, slowly waving her arms with a creepy look in her eyes).
Me: (Laughing) Tell Daddy what he said. Derrick look.
(Moments later)
Penelope: (explaining to Derrick) Some ghosts say boo. Some ghosts say nothing. They're just like (looks at me with a solemn expression, then more animatedly) Just like that. (Makes the non-expression again as she marches across the floor, then reports) Some ghosts just walk. I was being the ghost, but then I went back to people size!

9:23 pm

Me (to Derrick): Look. I've lost a lot of weight through here. But my butt is so big. I noticed earlier that Penelope is the same size as my butt. How sad is that? My butt is as big as Penelope.
Penelope (walking in): I'm not as big as your butt! Your butt is much bigger than me! Because I am little, and your butt is so big! Do you understand what I am saying? I am so little, and your butt is so big. (keeps going on about it)

10:52 pm

Penelope (standing on an office chair while she monitors the paper coming out of the printer): I've got two ready for you, Mommy. (Handing them to me) This is two for two. (suddenly looks sly) Hey, maybe I could be on the soccer team now. I look pretty tall up here. 
Me: Hmm. 
Penelope: Here's another page!
Me: Thanks! We are going to have a lot of holes to punch.
Penelope: Arghhh! Not more holes to punch. All this work makes me tired. (leans back against the chair and pushes my butt with her foot)
Me: Hey!
Penelope: (giggles)
Me: You're not only the soccer team yet. You don't practice for the soccer team by kicking your mommy.
Penelope: I'm not kicking. I'm only pushing.
Me: I'll push you, Push!
Penelope: (giggles wildly, then declares) Another page!

11:03 pm

Penelope (singing)
Me: What are you singing?
Penelope: (singing) A tippian and a bippian. Don't you sing along with me! (Smiles) That's what my frog sings.
(I realize she means that old Kermit doll who sings, "I'm a Caribbean amphibian.")
Me: I like the way you sing that.
Penelope: I will sit on your lap. And you can color a picture of Joe-fus. And I will type on your computer.

11:06 pm

Penelope just pointed to a picture of Hugh Laurie and said, "Look, that's Pawpaw Harley!"
11:08 pm

Penelope: (stretching out on the floor) Meeooooooooooooooooooow. (explains) I'm turning into a kitty. (in a whisper, with theatrically wide eyes) I'm turning into a beast!!!!!
11:14 pm

So Penelope and I are doing an experiment trying to see what kind of crystals we can get from a sugar solution, a salt solution, and a bath salt solution. It will probably take another three or four days at least to see any results. So far what we've learned is that dead gnats don't care for bath salt solution.
11:20 pm

Simba Escapes

11:56 pm

April 20

Penelope: Draw a picture of Simba and his four older sisters.
Me: Simba has four older sisters? I didn't know that.
Penelope: Ha ha. I fooled you. He only has three older sisters!
Me: I didn't know that.
Penelope: Only I know about them.
Me: You know, when I was your age, I loved a movie named Oliver! And when people tried to call me Sarah, I'd tell them, "No, I'm Nancy."
Penelope: I loved that movie more. I always loved it more than you. I loved--what's it called?
Me: Oliver!?
Penelope: Yes, I always loved that more than you.
Me: (looking down and touching my nose against hers) You did?
Penelope: (wickedly) Yes, more than you.

I really wonder if her obsession with The Lion King and desire to be Simba goes back to that high contrast picture of a cat face she used to look at in the NICU because she stared at it all the time and tried to socialize with it and loved it so much.

8:01 pm

April 21

Me (explaining): I think he hurt the flesh of his finger trying to open his knife.
Derrick: Sometimes that happens.
Penelope: Bubby, sometimes when I don't wear Pull-Ups, moisture gets into my toodle butt.
Grayson & Derrick: Whaaat?
Me: Last night she was complaining...
Penelope: That's right, moisture gets into my panties and proceeds into my toodlebutt, and then it gets itchy, Bubby. 

12:37 pm

Weird Al: You drilled a hole in my head, then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead.
Penelope: (singing) Whaaat, that's very cray-zy. How did he doooo that?

12:58 pm

Derrick (snarling in exasperation at another driver)
Grayson: Apparently there are a lot of jerks on the road today.
Derrick: Appatently. (jerks head around): Did that say Amish Festival?

1:01 pm

Nanny: Dixie won't eat if we're watching her. She's bashful.
Penelope: Bashful? What does that mean?
Nanny: It means sometimes she gets shy like Nellie sometim
es gets shy.
(Penelope immediately drops her pants in the middle of the kitchen to show Nanny her panties--literally at that exact instant.)
7:12 pm

As reported by Derrick...
Penelope (throwing the ball up in the air): This is awesome sauce. I wanna see if my group wants to come out...They said no.

7:16 pm

Penelope (eyeing the speed alert on Derrick's phone) Daddy, you're going too fast!
Grayson: Not too fast for Daddy. Nothing is too fast for him.
Penelope: You knocked me in the head!
Me: From going so fast?
Penelope: Yes, you almost knocked me right out the window!

10:18 pm

Me: I'm going to put the nuggets on the fries, and her apples in the other side.
P(suspiciously from the back seat): What? (long pause) That sounds not awesome.

10:35 pm

Penelope: The trees are scaring me, Mommy. At night they look scary.
Me: They won't hurt you.
Penelope: But they're spooking me out! I don't want to sit here in this stupid car in the dark where trees are spooking me out.
Me: They're the same trees we see in the daylight.
Penelope: But they are haunting my dreams!

11:05 pm

Penelope: Bubby doesn't have a place to sleep at his house. He doesn't have a bed.
Me: Well, where does he sleep?
P: I don't know because every place has been cancelled.
Me: Cancelled?
P: Yes, let me get my cancel maker out. Now every place in the whole world has been cancelled!

11:11 pm

April 22

Penelope: I'm hungry.
Me: What would you like?
Penelope: I don't know. Open the refrigerator, and we'll see.
Me: Would you like some string cheese?
Penelope: I don't know. Open the refrigerator, and let's have a look at what's inside.
Me (opening it and grabbing a string cheese): Now do you want a string cheese?
Penelope: Yeah. (Takes it) But this is too freezing. Can I have a napkin to hold it?
(I hand her a napkin, and she wraps the cheese in it then squeezes it.)
Penelope (moments later): Ahhh. Everybody loves a nice, hot string cheese!

2:51 am

Penelope: OW! Stop it, you!
Me: What's the matter?
Penelope (pointing to her knee): What's this thing called again?
Me: Your knee?
Penelope: Yeah. It bonked me in the nose again! I'm telling it to stop it!

12:31 pm

April 23

Me: Goodnight, sweetie.
Penelope (in a sweet, quiet voice): Good night, sweetie, too.
Me: Aww. You're so good.
P (in the same sweet, quiet voice): I know I'm good.

12:54 am

Penelope: (watching Coraline) This is the scariest thing I've ever seen in my whole life!
9:16 pm

I think these are black eyed susans, but I could be wrong. Penelope agreed to pose for the picture if in exchange I would play her game. "What is your game?" I asked. She said, "It's called Runaway Susan." "How do you play?" I asked. She ran away.

After looking online, I'm not sure these are black-eyed susans, after all, but we had fun playing Runaway Susan, anyway.

10:42 pm

April 24

Grandma took a walk early this morning and brought back two halves of an egg she found for Penelope. It's about the size of a robin's egg but tan.

Grandma: I wonder what was in that egg.
Penelope: Maybe a peacock!
1:42 pm

April 25

Penelope: Bad Brother, I had another dream about you. I dreamed I ruled over you, and you bowed down to me.
Me: What! I will never bow down to you, Joseph!
P (lunging at me with a light saber): But I have this!
Moments later...
P: Bad brother, will you take me to pee pee!
Moments later...
P: You will never throw me into a pit, you rapscallion! I will kill you right in the nose!
1:45 am

April 26

Grandma (as Joseph: King of Dreams ends): Now can we watch something Grandma likes?
Penelope: (brightly) How about Miss Marple?
Grandma: Great idea. I'll go get one.
Me: Look at this! You're going to play Legos with Grandma? And your new books just got here. You're a lucky girl!
Penelope: (Runs forward onto the couch) Yay! (Steps back and grumbles at me) You need to clean off the couch! I got crumbs in my eye!
Now she's grinning suspiciously at the TV
Penelope: Who is this guy? Is he Doc Martin?
3:01 pm

Penelope: (suspiciously) Miss Marple is different in this one.
4:26 pm

Penelope: (shows up dangling a stuffed mouse, maybe one of Merry's cat toys, calling) Dinah! Dinah? Bon appetit!

Seems right, a stuffed mouse for a stuffed cat...
4:52 pm

Me: Why are there carrots all over the floor?
Penelope: I wanted to share. I wanted a bunny to eat those carrots.
Me: But there's not a bunny in the house.
Penelope: I pretend there's a bunny in the house.
Me: But those are not pretend carrots!
4:56 pm

Penelope: Simeon, I had a dream that you bowed down to me. And all of my bad brothers bowed down to me. One day you will bow down to me, and I will rule over you because God sent me a dream.
Me: (as Simeon) I will never bow down to you, Joseph.
Penelope: You will! Or else I will kick you in the butt!
5:27 pm

Penelope: I will cover your nose.
Derrick: Why?
Penelope: Because I can't help it.
Derrick: Why can't you help it?
Penelope: Because I'm a bee.
9:56 pm

Penelope (to Derrick): These are my arms. These are my legs. (Squeezes her butt) These are my cheeks. (Taunting him) I will kick you in the head, and you will like it! (Lots of giggling.)
10:00 pm

Things you don't expect to hear from your three-year-old...
"I guess I do have a secret identity. I never knew I was Zaphenath-Paneah."
11:40 pm

Penelope: I don't want killer bees to kill me! I want you to protect me.
Me: Well, I would try, but they might kill me, too.
Penelope: Well, then I could protect you and kill them with my sword.
Me: Well, you could, but...
Penelope: (thinking of it herself) But how could I stab them all when they are so small? Some of them might get away. My sword is big, but it would be very hard to stab them all at once, and then if some got away, they would sting me with their poisons, and I would lie on the ground dead and bleeding. Oh that would be terrible! What a dreadful thing!

She's not terrified by this, by the way. She's fascinated. We're reading a book called Bug Out.
11:47 pm

April 27

Me (reading): "The silk moth caterpillar covers itself in lots of silk. It grows the silk inside its body."
Penelope: Inside its body?!
Me: Yes, isn't that amazing! Imagine if you can grow silk inside your body.
Penelope: What?! I don't believe it! That's crazy!
Dinah: Once I knew a goose who laid golden eggs, is it like that?
Me: Well, kind of.
Penelope: I knew that goose, too.
Dinah: Oh, you did?
Penelope: Yes, I knew him very well.
Dinah: What was his name? I forgot.
(long pause)
Penelope: Was it Zaphenath-Paneah?
Dinah: Yes, that sounds right.
Penelope: Yes, I thought he was an Egypt goose.

12:02 am

Penelope: (listening about mosquitoes) They drink blood?!
Me: Yes, they drink blood for their food.
Dinah: For their food! That's disgusting! I only drink blood for fun.
Penelope: Me, too, Dinah. But one time I couldn't find any blood, so I ate some normal people food, and then I got so tired I just died.

12:03 am

Plastic dinosaur: (to plastic giraffe) Stop saying you're the King of Egypt! I'm the King of Egypt!
Giraffe (squeaking): Stop doing that to me! You can't do that! (Whacks him on the bottom)
Dinosaur: (jumping on the giraffe) Die, I say to you! I will crush your bones.

Both animals voiced by Penelope

12:05 am

Me (reading): "Wild honeybees live in large groups. They make their nests in hollow trees."
Dinah: Just like where Pooh found them.
Penelope: Oh yes. A hollow tree sounds like a good place for a nest.
Me: If you were going to make a nest, where would you make it?
Penelope: Inside the car.
Me: Yeah? Why would that be a good place?
Penelope: Because Bubby would be so surprised there was a bee inside the car!!! And then the bee might sting him, and it would itch, and he would die like we did [in an earlier fantasy]. But when I am a bee, I don't think I'm going to sting Bubby. I will really surprise him, though.

12:12 am

Me: This book belongs to Penelope Jane Rayburn.
Penelope: No, it belongs to nature.
Me. Why does it belong to nature?
Penelope: Because it's his book.
Me: Hmm...What does this Nature character look like?
Penelope: (points to her face) He looks like this, except he's more gray, and right here (holds up hair on either side of her head) he has these big bunny rabbit ears sticking out. So...that's him. Yeah, and he has a lot of the books around here.

12:35 am

Derrick: I'm impressed that you knew Grandma would like to watch Miss Marple. What's Daddy's favorite show?
P: Ghostbusters!
Me: She's probably thinking of Myth Busters. What else does Grandma like to watch?
P: Poirot.
Me: What is Grandpa's favorite show?
P: News.
Me: What do I like to watch?
P: Baby timing!
Me: Baby timing?
P (outrageously): That's a show about how to cook babies to eat their meat!
Me: Hmm. What other shows do.I like?
P: Top Shot.
D: Now you're thinking of Daddy!

2:07 am

(After Derrick and Grayson have a strange argument)
Penelope: Shut up, Bubby!
Derrick: Nellie, don't be bossy.
Grayson: Aww, you just got played!
Penelope: I did not get played!
(after a lot of confusion)
Grayson: Oh, Daddy! You got played! Wait! I got played!
Penelope: You knucklehead!

7:11 pm

Derrick: Nellie, quit spitting.
P: I'm not spitting. I'm just burping at Bubby!
Grayson: That's not how you burp.
Penelope: (sobbing) I never learned how to burp!

7:13 pm

Me: Will you go to the moon with me?
Penelope: Don't be crazy. We don't have a rocket.
Me: Maybe we could make one.
Penelope: No, I'm scared to go to the moon. There might be Martians.

11:55 pm

April 28

P: Are mummies zombies?
Me: Well...
P: They are--right? Because they growl like this. (Opens her eyes wide and makes a freaky, growling noise without opening her mouth or moving it at all.)

1:26 am

Grayson (in the back seat): What do I smell burning?
All the adults: I don't know. I don't smell it!
Penelope (giggling): It's the devil!

3:56 pm

Grayson: Man, nobody in this car has a sense of humor!
Me: Well we didn't hear you.
G: I said that didn't appeal to Penelope. Get it. A peal!
(I burst out laughing because it's funny he thinks that's funny in absence of any banana connection.)
Gray: Ha! I did it! I made you have humor!
Derrick: Noo! Curse you, humor bringer!
Me: We weren't ready!
P: Hey, Bub! Stop talking!
8:23 pm

April 29

Penelope found Scary Stories to Tell in the dark and insisted I read some to her as a bedtime story. We ended up reading "Me Tie Dough-ty Walker" four times. The first time, she practically jumped off the bed at the end. Then she kept wanting emcores. By the last time through, she was singing along with the dog's part!
2:28 am

Grayson: Ohhh! My sternum is killing me!
Penelope: That's okay. We just need to get a new sternum for you. My magic can help me. But my magic is sleeping right now?
3:48 pm

Me: (informing Derrick) This is just what came on after her Mickey Mouse episode went off. I don't think anyone is actually watching this show about Hitler.
Penelope: I was watching it.
7:34 pm

April 30

Penelope (staring into the bathroom mirror): My reflection is real! 
Me: It's real?
Penelope: Yeah! I know it is. Watch this! (Waves broadly, then touches her throat as she yells) Hi, Reflection!!! (turns to me as if astonished and says) See? Did you not just hear that?
1:30 pm

Penelope: Mom, can I please have an Oreo?
Me: How about some Cheerios? I think you need to eat something good for you before you have a cookie. Cookies taste good, but they don't have much nutritional value.
(At that exact moment, a commercial for WhoNu? cookies comes on. "Now nutritious is delicious, too! WhoNu?")
Penelope: You see! I told you! Cookies ARE nutritious! They are very good for you!

Thanks a lot, TV!
3:55 pm